![]() Overall, Jacob, we are here to love you, and hopefully teach you how to love and feel loved as well. Your dad and I are here to offer options, perspectives and points of view….we are guides of sorts. There are so many shades of grey in this world. I am not here to judge you and your brother and sister, and make you feel that you are either a success or a failure in any given area. I hope that you know that I am here to ask for help. I would like you to know that I want to have a different type of relationship with you one where you feel you could talk to me about worries, concerns or problems, or if a friend or you are in some sort of trouble. I will tell you, that growing up, my parents were pre-occupied with a lot of family drama, and other issues as well, so I never really felt that I could talk to them. I also feel like you seem to keep a lot of emotions, feelings, and concerns inside. So, I am very sorry if I ever made you feel like I could have been disciplining you or handling situations in some other fashion to intimidate you. It’s my job as an adult to just learn from their mistakes and move forward. I know that they made a lot of mistakes, and handled many situations in inappropriate ways. I don’t want you to think that I am doing you some big favor by not being like my parents. Maybe because of my parents and how I have described how they would have handled certain situations with me when I was a child. I feel that you think I have this very strict idea of discipline, even though we have always been pretty relaxed with that kind of thing. But you DO…you really, really deserve the best of the best of everything. I feel like it affected your confidence in some way, that maybe you didn’t feel loved, or deserving of certain things in life. I can never have those years back, but I have always been trying to make up for it. Looking back I realize that kept me even more distant from you. I was hurting and angry because I could not be there with and for you. ![]() I feel like you felt I left you all alone. I feel that you felt alone, and that we sort of put you aside because we were so busy, that emotionally, you just sort of drifted away….and the saddest part for me was that I knew it all started when I went back to work when you were in 1 st grade. One day, I was walking through the living room….I think you were in 4 th grade…you were propped up on the end of the loveseat seeming to be watching TV…but really just staring intently at it…and you were making shapes with your hands (it was a nervous habit you had at the time)…and you looked just so far away, lost almost….and I believe in a way, you were. And I know you heard us talking about things, and I know you were aware of the troubles and stress we were dealing with…and I know you worried about them, even though you were this tiny baby boy that couldn’t fix things, and didn’t have any control or power to. I have feelings of guilt that I deal with, from when your father and I were going through some serious money troubles, and we both were working a lot, and we weren’t around much, physically or emotionally, and we left you, your brother and sister with your grandfather as a sitter, because we couldn’t afford a real childcare situation. It took me a long time to understand what this meant, because I didn’t even really ever hear of this concept until I was older. Moreover, what I feel is even more important for you, is that you like and love and take care of yourself, first and foremost. While I want you to learn a lot of things in school….that is what I want you to know and believe most of all. ![]() I want you to know that I do love you, an indescribable amount. I love you for all those things and more.Įarlier today, when your dad and I were talking to you about grades and school and stuff, you seemed to be particularly uncomfortable hearing the words “we love you.” I don’t know if it is just an age thing, the topic of conversation, or that maybe you didn’t believe the words. ![]() From singing “You Are My Sunshine” to you countless times as an infant, to how I say you taught me how to be a mom, to how you seem to be such an old soul, to how you always seem to want to be there for people that seem to need a hand, or an ear, or a friend. So many beautiful thoughts come to my mind that make me smile when I think of you. ![]()
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